I write this with a fortnight to go for my personality test at UPSC for CSE. It has been an enjoyable experience, these 2 years, in the god forsaken streets of Old Rajinder Nagar(ORN). I say god forsaken because there can not be so much misery as it is seen here, and people(including me) just leave it and move on. Ive seen 3 generation of dogs now on these streets layered by dog shit. Every morning while people eat poha, there is the old woman with her hand held out. One tries to had her eatables but she asks for money for her meals that day. Then there is the boy pushing his cart full of garbage using every muscle in his body, while some random aunty yells a warning(incoming!) and drops a bag full of trash at him, cursing him for not appearing the day earlier. There is the distraught middle aged guy wearing a jacket in middle of summer, smoking a beedi, with the swagger of any hardcore rap artist. To startle these invisibles and to irritate others, the idiots on their Bullet bikes rush past with noise enough to churn people's stomachs and test one's restraint on tongue itching for an outpour of profanity. You feel anger for these inequality and to get away you dive into the small gully at next turn. There is the old woman, who should be sipping lemonade with her grand kids, ironing outlandishly large shirts and pajamas, while her grand child sits beside her toying with chalk and charcoal. The horrendous colorful picture turns black and white in these dim gullies. You decide to go back into the main lane. There is the large building under construction. You wonder the rent one would pay for these marble floored, rosewood finished pigeon holes. 15k per month probably. But as of now the inhabitants are the families of the construction workers living there. The kids are jumping rope with the wiring cables and hop skip jump on chequered patterns with marble pieces for tokens, Their mother prepares meals on a make shift chulha that is enough to match emission levels of the whole building of the future. The mean are busy tying up bamboo support structures, mixing up concrete batches, touching up on the plastered walls. The idea of sustainable development comes to mind and the high handed ideas of intra and inter generational equity. The cruelty of the joke makes it saddening but if one does not laugh at the joke, one could go mind. So, we smile back at the kids playing on the streets and move on.
Its not so sad, this place. There are things joy too. But aaj mood kharaab hai, to frustana hai. To acchi baatein baad me...There is so much misery right in front of our eyes, and it is painful to stop yourself from diving into solving these problems. There is always the voice that says... abey padh le, ye kaam baad me karenge, bade level pe... You think, sahi baat hai...tomorrow youll have the power to do well for these people. Your heart fills up with hope and face lights up with a sense of purpose. You read up on modern Indian history and you feel, Yes!!! I will be the torch bearer of change, bringing light in lives of those living in darkness with empty bellies. Then the guy holed up next to you walks into your room discussing some scandal of some random actress or of some random girl in his friend circle. You have been nice to him in general and trying to nice to people in general. But this guy is unstoppable. He starts blabbering random stuff about how values of girls have fallen these days and there are many fishes in the sea, advising you to go "harpooning". Then there is the other guy talking about the make up and dressing of aunty living in the next block. According to this guy, an expert on sanskaar, she is too old to wear lipstick or a t-shirt and jeans. Then comes the topic of girls in shorts and the trash talk. I think to myself, if only there was some parallel universe, where these guys are being judged for their pot bellies and there is trash talk about their chest that has drooped down to find support on their bellies. Then my mind goes to imagining another universe where there is no judgment on anyone. The irony in my life, is that I have judged many and I am blamed for being very critical of people. This puts me into an introspection period, where I try to correct myself from being overly judgmental of people and put up with their flaws however injurious they might be to my mind or my conception of the right. But, in these times, I find support from my loved ones, who give me comfort by egging me to stick to my ideals and my methods of frankness, pushing me back into my quixotic mode.
If you have read the above and reached here, you might have rightfully concluded that the process has messed me up a bit(for this moment at least). Personality test is a very weird indeed. As, many know certain "namoone"(characters) that make into the final list even when they have obnoxious personalities and worst set of morals which they manage to mask. Kind of putting doubts on efficacy of the personality test. But, the ground is set and one has to lead the charge of the light brigade.
Let me say this now. I did not have an interview call last year and have seen how those who have it, speak as if they know something more than others or are better than others. To all my friends and others, if I come across in such a manner, please pardon me for my lightheadedness. I assure everyone, that let people judge you. Stoke that fire in your heart. Remember these faces, from streets of ORN and know, who you work for. These are the people who look upto you with faith. Be fair to them and work hard. Yaari dosti sab chalti rahegi...let go of those who dont get you and drag you...
Look at me, again I am instructing people on life. Alright, I suppose bahot jyada bol gaya main aaj...
In coming 14 days, I might some more of these frustu posts and then after interview date, I will go into the jungles, away from the chatter, into the womb of mother nature...Cheers!!!
PS I am not going to proof read this, as I might correct something or just delete the whole thing and close the draft. So, please bear with the poor grammar or the frust level in this rant..
